Every day

Every morning when I wake up, I fall in love with you all over again. It’s beautiful. There is no denying what I feel for you, I’ve found the one who makes me happy and whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you so much. You are undoubtedly the woman for me. I wouldn’t trade you for anything. You are and will always be the love of my life. 

Its hard to know what to believe sometimes when someone’s actions contradict their words. It however reminds me that I am not in control of anyone else’s actions and the best that I can do is continue to be myself and love without question. I will never change, I will always love abundantly, see the best in people, miss them deeply and continue to hope that one day my efforts have not gone in vain.

I believe in being honest about my intentions and feelings even if it makes people uncomfortable. I believe in telling the truth and being open and transparent even if I run the risk of being pushed away and rejected. I have nothing to hide and live my life in a moral way. I only wish to be remembered as a kind and loving man who did his best to make others happy. I have no desire to hurt, cheat, judge or break down any bodies character. I know without fail that I will live my life with integrity and respect for others.

It does not mean that I don’t make mistakes or have insecurities, it only means that I will continue to be the best man I can be even if it means that I’m alienated.

My Prayer

There will never be enough words in the dictionary to describe how I am feeling this morning. I can’t even bring myself to eat as my stomach is in a knot. I’m sitting down now and just pinning my thoughts down, hopefully in an attempt to find a little more peace. Hopefully God will hear me and this will serve as a prayer.

I discovered on Thursday morning that the woman I love hurt herself and if that wasn’t a big enough blow, I heard she is in a coma and only has a low survival rate should she wake up.

I don’t think anyone could ever be prepared for such news. I’m still in a perpetual state of shock. It has left me completely helpless, I find myself sitting bunched up in a little ball with my head on my knees.. just crying.

I’m a wreck, I’m worried, sad, angry, confused. How did I not see this coming. I should have helped her!

I’ve been praying for a miracle God. I’m sure You know I can’t handle losing her too…. Not her… Please….

I always believed that somewhere in some way You would bring us together, I believed that you set us out on this path.

I guess I just really wanted her to see that I was serious about her and I was hoping that I could convince her to give us a chance. I just wanted a future with her because there is no one like her, she’s a one in a million kind of woman and I truly love her.

I don’t believe I always made it easier for her, I acknowledge that. I have been guilty of putting her under too much pressure at times.

I now feel like I did this to her detriment and that is something I need to live with.

Right now my soul feels dark and empty. I miss her. I’d give anything to turn back the clock. I should have handled situations better, I tried to tell her how I feel but I think it came out the wrong way, I should have supported her more. There is a lot I should have done differently and for that I am very sorry.

Please Lord take her hand and pull her through… She has a little girl who adores her. Please don’t let this little girl grow up without a mother. I know she was just overwhelmed and in so much emotional pain, she probably couldn’t see a way forward but most if not all of that pain was thrust on her and she doesn’t deserve to die. So please, I’m asking you with every little bit of energy I can and muster and with tearful eyes. Please, please, please let her wake up and please let her health return back to normal.

I know I am asking for a lot – You could even cut my life short but please let her live and give her the peace she needs to be happy.

Today, I will write a message to her, put it into a bottle and throw it into the sea. Who know’s it may take 100 years before someone finds it but when they do they will stop and say: “Hey you know what, he really loved and adored this woman” and hopefully they will shed a tear. Real love is eternal.

 

2

It’s strange. The thing is, deep down inside I always knew she would leave. She’s always had one foot out the door anyways. It’s hard to keep on chasing someone who is always running away from you. At times I thought it was just fear, at other times I thought she was running towards something or someone else. At times I felt like it was my fault, maybe I was holding on too tightly when all she needed was some space. However I look at it, I realize that whatever her motives were it really comes down to the fact that I’m not the person she wants to be close to.

I guess despite all this I was hoping that I would somehow get through to her and she would make up her mind and stay for good.

Anyway, I can try to rationalize it but who honestly knows what goes inside someone’s else’s head. I feel that that for the most part the things people say aren’t a true reflection of what they feel. It’s easy to build a wall and hide behind your words. It easier to just run away. It takes a lot more courage to be honest with yourself and confront your feelings, it’s even harder to tell someone else how you truly feel.

No matter how I look at it, I will never really understand why she left, it’s tragic all the same.