My Prayer

There will never be enough words in the dictionary to describe how I am feeling this morning. I can’t even bring myself to eat as my stomach is in a knot. I’m sitting down now and just pinning my thoughts down, hopefully in an attempt to find a little more peace. Hopefully God will hear me and this will serve as a prayer.

I discovered on Thursday morning that the woman I love hurt herself and if that wasn’t a big enough blow, I heard she is in a coma and only has a low survival rate should she wake up.

I don’t think anyone could ever be prepared for such news. I’m still in a perpetual state of shock. It has left me completely helpless, I find myself sitting bunched up in a little ball with my head on my knees.. just crying.

I’m a wreck, I’m worried, sad, angry, confused. How did I not see this coming. I should have helped her!

I’ve been praying for a miracle God. I’m sure You know I can’t handle losing her too…. Not her… Please….

I always believed that somewhere in some way You would bring us together, I believed that you set us out on this path.

I guess I just really wanted her to see that I was serious about her and I was hoping that I could convince her to give us a chance. I just wanted a future with her because there is no one like her, she’s a one in a million kind of woman and I truly love her.

I don’t believe I always made it easier for her, I acknowledge that. I have been guilty of putting her under too much pressure at times.

I now feel like I did this to her detriment and that is something I need to live with.

Right now my soul feels dark and empty. I miss her. I’d give anything to turn back the clock. I should have handled situations better, I tried to tell her how I feel but I think it came out the wrong way, I should have supported her more. There is a lot I should have done differently and for that I am very sorry.

Please Lord take her hand and pull her through… She has a little girl who adores her. Please don’t let this little girl grow up without a mother. I know she was just overwhelmed and in so much emotional pain, she probably couldn’t see a way forward but most if not all of that pain was thrust on her and she doesn’t deserve to die. So please, I’m asking you with every little bit of energy I can and muster and with tearful eyes. Please, please, please let her wake up and please let her health return back to normal.

I know I am asking for a lot – You could even cut my life short but please let her live and give her the peace she needs to be happy.

Today, I will write a message to her, put it into a bottle and throw it into the sea. Who know’s it may take 100 years before someone finds it but when they do they will stop and say: “Hey you know what, he really loved and adored this woman” and hopefully they will shed a tear. Real love is eternal.

 

2

It’s strange. The thing is, deep down inside I always knew she would leave. She’s always had one foot out the door anyways. It’s hard to keep on chasing someone who is always running away from you. At times I thought it was just fear, at other times I thought she was running towards something or someone else. At times I felt like it was my fault, maybe I was holding on too tightly when all she needed was some space. However I look at it, I realize that whatever her motives were it really comes down to the fact that I’m not the person she wants to be close to.

I guess despite all this I was hoping that I would somehow get through to her and she would make up her mind and stay for good.

Anyway, I can try to rationalize it but who honestly knows what goes inside someone’s else’s head. I feel that that for the most part the things people say aren’t a true reflection of what they feel. It’s easy to build a wall and hide behind your words. It easier to just run away. It takes a lot more courage to be honest with yourself and confront your feelings, it’s even harder to tell someone else how you truly feel.

No matter how I look at it, I will never really understand why she left, it’s tragic all the same.

Why do peoples feelings change?

I wish I could understand why peoples feelings change? I get that there are circumstances where you are in a bad or abusive relationship, that certainly can impact your feelings towards someone but I have trouble believing that people can just “fall out of love”.

How is it possible that you can have strong and intense feelings for someone but then hardly a few years later you no longer feel the same?

I’m pretty sure it’s because you never had strong feelings to start off with. I think a lot of people mistake an infatuation for love and as soon as someone better comes along they all of a sudden lose interest. 

I realize that relationships take work and you need to compromise, I actually think if both people in the relationship give more than they take you will have a wonderful life together. 

I’m so tired of hearing how hard relationships are, that’s just complete and utter bullshit in my opinion. The problem is that people are never satisfied with what they have. The problem is people can’t make up their mind and decide what they want. It’s really not that hard – if you meet the right person, commit and make it work.